It’s hard to rest.

It’s hard to rest this near the end. Hard to know when to lay my burden down. Jesus says, “Now,” but I say, “Hold on one second…I need to post this.”

I’m tired.

There are 10 books on my desk. Three on my nightstand. That doesn’t count the shelves of books at the church. I keep thinking I can read them all, and that I’d better do so before… before what? The end? The last weekday of Pentecost? The last day of the Obama administration?

Which Last Days are actually upon us?

It’s hard to know how much time is passing. It’s been almost two weeks since the election, but it feels longer. Days are weeks. My timelines are a never ending onslaught of hyper-vigilant critique.

I wonder if the Germans have a word for this feeling of this particular form of exhaustion.

Someone puts the news on in the kitchen. The news is always on somewhere in this house – my screens, usually. I’ve taken to reading the Times again, at least as a starting point.

When will I ever get to reading all of these books, though?

——

My Winter Break Reading List

Bonhoeffer – The Cost of Discipleship
Freiere – Pedagogy of Solidarity
Kierkegaard – Works of Love
Kink – Jesus and Nonviolence / Naming the Powers / Unmasking the Powers / Engaging the Powers
Nouwen – In the Name of Jesus
God, et al. – The Holy Bible

——

*Twitter continues to scroll in the background*

I could take some time away from social. I could avoid the commentary. But then I wouldn’t know the names of the people who will design what is to come. I wouldn’t know their faces, their policies, their histories.

This is a dangerous time to be ignorant.
Unless you’re president, I suppose.

[I wonder if there are books on his nightstand.]

The comedians make jokes on the radio and the crowd laughs. I’ve tried to laugh, but laughing at politics feels irresponsible right now. This is not a joking matter. I could get comfortable making him into a joke, but that feels reckless. It feels like the gateway to forgetfulness. This administration, and everyone who benefits from it, will count on our forgetfulness. They will want us to remain distracted.

Most will comply.
I will not.

The question is: how will I maintain attentiveness to the world as it continues to be formed (and malformed) and how will I also attend to the health of my spirit?

How will I continue to learn the names of the men (for they will mostly be men) who assume positions of worldly power and who prepare the way for the coming of not-the-Lord while also nurturing my soul?

I cannot live on rage alone.

It’s hard to rest.
But it’s imperative that I do.

 

 

Photo by Noah Rosenfield